Dragonflywriting

The Erachasbian Adventure

By Jessica and Laurel

Chapter One: Attack of the Closet Weasels

Jessica and Laurel were on their way to youth group when they heard a sort of zap-fizzle sound, as if an old television had just gone out. They looked around, alarmed, to find that it was an old television going out. Then Laurel turned around and ran into the wall.
“Hey!” exclaimed Laurel, “Why is this wall here?”
“That’s not a wall, it’s a tree.” said Jessica.
“Oh great, that makes it so much better, Jessica.” snarled Laurel.
“Wait a minute,” said Jessica, “Why are we in a forest?”
“Sheep!” said Laurel.
“What?” said Jessica.
They were surrounded by sheep.
“Haha!” cried Laurel and jumped on top of one.
“Laurel, wait!” yelled Jessica but the sheep had already taken off. Jessica chased the sheep all the way out of the forest until they came to a very large castle with high walls made out of gray brick.
Suddenly the sheep that Laurel had been riding turned into a very ruffled old man with a long gray beard and flowing purple robes.
“Oh!” said Jessica, “Can I have your robe?”
“No.” said the wizard.
“Fine.” said Jessica, “Well, can we help you?”
“Yes,” said the wizard, “You can grow wings and fly us over the wall.”
“Uh, what?” said Jessica.
“What, you don’t know that spell?” asked the wizard.
“Um… no.” said Jessica, “Should I?”
“Well, no… I guess not,” said the wizard, “it’s not really a requirement, but I just assumed…” he shook himself quickly, “Very well then,” he said, “I suppose we can go through the door.”
They did.
“Where are we?” said Jessica, looking around.
“Sheep place!” said Laurel.
“No,” said the wizard, “Erachasbaa.”
“Yes!” Said Laurel, “BAA!”
The wizard looked at Laurel funny, “Is that your… assistant?” he asked Jessica.
“Um… yes.” said Jessica.
“Baa…” said Laurel.
“Umm…” said the wizard, “Is she well?”
“Um… no.” said Jessica.
“Oh.” said the wizard, who by the way, was called Scone. He shrugged slightly, adjusted his robes, and said, “Nevertheless. I must take you to Stan.”
“Stan,” Jessica echoed incredulously.
“Sheeps!” Laurel squealed, patting one of the numerous sheep milling about the courtyard.
“Erm, well, you see… His real name is King Schnooselwoosle the First. He goes by ‘Stan’.”
“That’s understandable.” replied Jessica.
“It bit me,” Laurel said, sounding mildly shocked.
The wizard glanced at her, twitched a miniscule wrinkle out of his sleeve, and went on. “Well, we must go. He is eager to meet you, Great One.”
Laurel scowled. “Bad sheep. Evil sheep. Jess, let’s kill that sheep.”
“Uh, what sheep?”
“That one,” Laurel answered, pointing.
“Um, you’re pointing at the sky,” Jess said.
Laurel slowly lowered her finger. “Oh.”
“Wait, it bit you?!”
Laurel showed the bite to Jessica. It was lovely; red, swollen, and looking liable to turn into gangrene.
“Maybe you should get a rabies shot or something.”
The wizard cleared his throat impatiently, and, looking well away from the bite, said, “Um, shall we go?”
“Sure,” Jessica said, staring at Laurel’s wound.
“Oh, evil sheeps! Everywhere!” Laurel moaned, although the sheep had wandered away.
Scone led them into a large room, that was adorned mainly with animal skins and antlers. In the center of the room, sitting on a very large throne, was an extremely hot guy who looked like he was about eighteen or so.
“You’re hot.” said Laurel.
“Oh.” Said Stan, “Yes, thank you.”
Jessica kicked Laurel hard in the shins.
“Ah!” screamed Laurel, “Evil sheep!”
“Shut up.” said Jessica.
Scone ruffled his robe importantly and gave the two a strange look. “Um…” he said, “are you sure you’re a Jessica?”
Jessica was starting to feel like she’d missed something, “Uh… yeah.” she said.
“But you can’t grow wings,” confirmed Scone.
“Uh… no.” said Jessica.
“Exactly what kind of a Jessica are you?” Asked Scone, who was now eyeing her keenly.
“Um…” said Jessica, “The normal kind.”
“The normal kind can grow wings…” said Scone incredulously.
Jessica suddenly felt it was time to change the subject, “Say,” she said conversely, “Laurel’s been rather quiet.”
They all looked around, expecting Laurel to make another strange comment about sheep. But she was gone!
“Search the castle!” said Jessica urgently.
“Why?” said Stan.
“Trust me,” said Jessica, who had started searching under various animal skins, “you don’t want her alone here.”
“Um, I don’t?”
“Not unless you plan to do some extensive renovating soon.”
Stan slowly stood. “Uh, okay. Let’s go find her, then.”
Laurel was, at that moment, lounging atop the huge curtains, quietly eating a mint cough drop and watching everyone search for her. After several minutes, she slid down and tapped Jessica on the shoulder. “Jess, I’m bored,” she announced.
Jessica spun around. “Wha- Laurel! What the heck?! Where were you?!”
“I ate a cough drop,” Laurel explained, as if it were obvious.
“Um, yeah,” Jessica replied. “Uh, could you go into hiding again?”
Scone was striding towards them, looking very impatient. “Now that your assistant is found,” he said, “we can get on with business. Are you, or are you not, a Jessica?”
“Yes, I’m a Jessica,” Jessica said slowly, as though speaking to a non-too-bright child.
Scone disliked that, judging from the random sparks that began to singe the end of his beard. “Then, for Laerles’ sake, do something!”
“Such as…?” said Jessica slowly.
“I don’t know!” said the distraught wizard, “You’re supposed to know!”
“Well, I don’t.” growled Jessica, now feeling quite annoyed. “What, do you think I am some kind of Enchantress?”
“Aren’t you?” said Stan, who had been watching the confrontation with a blank look on his face.
“No!” screamed Jessica.
Stan turned on the wizard, “You said you were going to summon the nearest Jessica as soon as possible.”
“I did!” said Scone, “She said that she was!”
“I am!” said Jessica.
“You just said that you’re not,” Scone snapped. “Make up your mind!”
“Maybe,” Laurel said thoughtfully, “we can kill the monster anyway. Is it a giant baa-sheep?”
Scone furiously tugged on his sleeves. “Who said anything about a monster?”
“Well, it’s gotta be something,” Laurel said, for once making some sort of sense. “So, maybe we can do something even though we’re not magical. Or baa-sheep. One bit me, you know.”
Stan nodded. “She does have a point.”
“Yes,” Laurel solemnly verified. “You’re hot. Would you like to see my sheep bite? I may soon be rabid.”
“Er, perhaps later.” Stan turned back to Scone. “Well? Explain the situation. Maybe because she is a Jessica from another world, she may have different powers than we expect.”
“Such as being bitten by sheeps,” Laurel agreed.
“Um, maybe,” Jessica said. “What’s the problem?”
“Look, I think it’s gotten worse,” Laurel said, thrusting her bite into Stan’s face.
“Uh, that’s… nice. Why don’t we get the court healer to look at it?”
“No, I don’t need a court healer, I need a sheep-bite healer.”
Stan quickly looked away from the bite. “Summon Blairielle, Scone,” he said. “I will explain everything. Also, inform that incompetent cook that we will be wanting some refreshments.”
Scone straightened his robe, nodded, and very carefully avoiding Laurel, left the room. Stan sat down in his throne.
“Okay,” he said, “listen up. There is a necklace that is very sacred to us. It is called the Scribe of Fire. Recently it…”
“Why is it called the Scribe of Fire?” asked Laurel distractedly, as she squeezed puss from her bite, “Its kind of a weird name for a necklace…”
“I don’t know,” snapped Stan, “It’s just a name…”
“Well it's dumb.” confirmed Laurel, and she went back to picking at the bite.
“Ahem.” said Stan, “As I was saying…”
“Why does everyone call you Stan?” asked Laurel. suddenly, “If your parents wanted to call you Stan why didn’t they just name you Stan instead of Schnooselwoosle the First?”
“Well, see…” said Stan, “At the time they were a bit… merry with drink.”
“What?” said Jessica.
“Well they had the naming ceremony right after the baby shower and…”
“What’s 'merry with drink' mean?” asked Laurel.
Stan glared at Laurel, “Look,” he said in an annoyed voice, “you are being extremely disruptive. I am trying to explain to you’re master… er…” He turned to Jessica, “What did you say your name was again?”
“Jessica.” Said Jessica.
“No.” Said Stan, “Not your title, your name.”
“That is my name.” Said Jessica slowly.
“Your name is Jessica?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s what my parents named me!” Cried Jessica exasperatedly, “Why? is that a problem?”
“Well, no…” said Stan, “Its just… Its not a very common name…”
“Sure it is.” Said Jessica, “There’s Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba…”
“Who?” said Stan dazedly.
“Who?” echoed Laurel.
“Ugh.” Said Jessica, “Never mind. You were saying something about a necklace…”
“Oh… oh, yes. As I was saying… The Scribe of Fire - which is what it’s called, whether you like it or not – has been stolen by several evil personages…”
“Oooh, that shall be my new word!” exclaimed Laurel. “Personages!”
“Um, right. Anyway, these people are a group of evil sorcerers, rogues, and the like and they have the sacred necklace. As it is a necklace of great power, that isn’t good.”
“Go get it back,” Laurel cleverly suggested.
“That was to be the job of the Jessica. We hope that you’re… up to it.”
Jessica stopped chewing her nails. “Two questions.”
“Yes?”
“How much will it pay? I mean, you can’t honestly expect us to risk our lives and whatever just so that evil doesn’t take over the world. We need compensation.”
“Um, you bring the necklace back, and I’ll give you your weight in gold.”
Jessica nodded. “I’m not sure how much that is, but it sounds good.”
“I think we’d rather have a sheep,” Laurel said.
Jessica punched her. “No, we wouldn’t. Stop thinking; you might strain something.”
“Good idea,” Laurel agreed. “What if my bite turns fuzzy? It looks like it’s turning into a sheep. An evil one. And that is not sexy.”
“Blairielle is coming,” Stan replied, then turned back to Jessica. “And your second question?”
“How do we get there? Do they have a lair? Is it one of those cool ones? Do we get ninja costumes? Or at least leather jackets?”
“Um, to answer your many questions: we will take you; yes; I don’t know as I’ve never paid them a visit; I suppose so, if you explain what that is; and yes, why not? Is that all?”
“Can the jackets be black?”
“I guess. I’ll get them made immediately.”
Just then a young woman hurried in with a large tray. “Your refreshments,” she mumbled, tossing the tray at Stan, who caught it like she did that every day, which was fully possible.
Stan, Laurel, and Jessica sat down on skin-covered chairs (Stan’s throne now bore a half-sucked cough drop, but it was cherry, which Laurel hated, so they couldn’t quite pin it on her; anyway, Stan refused to touch it and nobody else wanted to, so it presided over them on his throne) and had the refreshments. The tea was passably good, but the cake tasted, as Laurel so eloquently put it ‘like sheep-bite’, and the chocolate-coated biscuits were obviously store-bought.
“Um…” said Jessica delicately, to the cook when they had finished, “Where did you learn to cook?”
“Oh!” said the young girl, “I taught myself.”
“And… is that all you’re good at?”
“Well…” demured the girl.
“Sasparilla is also an accomplished martial artist.” said Stan matter-of-factly.
Laurel snorted. Sasparilla, or Sassy, as everyone called her, looked nothing like a martial artist at all. She was small and delicate with shoulder-length brown hair, and wide, blue eyes.
Sassy shot Laurel a fierce look. “What?” she snapped.
“Heehee.” said Laurel, “Cough Drops.”
“Just ignore her, Sassy.” said Scone as he strode in, his purple robes billowing in some nonexistent wind, “She’s a bit… touched in the head.”
“Oh.” said Sassy, who did not look at all like she was likely to forgive anyone, touched or not.
“Where,” said Stan sharply, “is Blairielle?”
“She is otherwise occupied.” Said Scone shortly.
“What about my BITE!?” yelled Laurel to no one in particular.
“I’m sure you can survive for a few more seconds.” said Sassy coldly to Laurel.
“I think that I shall give you rabies, you pathetic human,” Laurel growled, sounding so psychotic that even Sassy looked mildly alarmed.
Jessica gave her a stern glare. “What did I say about thinking, Laurel?”
“I demand anti-sheep-bitedness.” announced Laurel.
“Where’s Blairielle?” shouted Stan, “She needs help!”
“What?” said Laurel suddenly, “Why?” She began to hum inexplicably.
Stan sighed loudly. “Now,” he said, “What were we talking about?”
“We were introducing Sassy.” said Scone shortly.
Sassy and Laurel glared at each other menacingly.
“Great!” said Stan with false cheerfulness. “Well, I suggest you get to know each other because Sassy is going to be accompanying you on your quest.”
“What?” said Laurel in a low voice.
“Why?” asked Jessica.
“Why to be your cook of course.” said Stan as if it were obvious.
“I can cook for myself,” Laurel said shortly. “I can also dress myself every morning.”
“Well… er… I should hope so.” said Stan tentatively, “But Sassy really does like to cook…”
“No I don’t.” Said Sassy quietly. “I hate it.”
“Oh.” Said Stan. “Well in that case Laurel can cook. She won’t poison us will she?” he said quickly to Jessica.
Laurel actually looked taken-aback. “What are you implying exactly?” She said in a somewhat miffed tone, “That I can’t cook?”
“She can.” said Jessica quickly.
“Oh… well… that’s… good.” said Stan. “Good, good…” he said quietly to himself. “Ahem… well then, Sassy can be your…um…”
"Personage!" Laurel supplied.
"I was going to say 'bodyguard'," Stan said.
"Thank you, Stan, for being hot," Laurel answered.
Just then a fat little man with a bright orange touque rushed in. "Sorry I'm late," he panted. "Very busy I was, very busy... Scone told me about a sheep bite. Nasty things, sheep bites... let's look at it. Who's the victim?"
"The girl over there, with the fuzzy blonde hair," Scone answered, gesturing with a wand he had somehow aquired.
"Very good," the man said, going to Laurel. "Well, let's see it."
"You're not a woman," Laurel informed him.
"Very perceptive, this one," chortled the man. "Of course I'm not a woman. Whatever made you think that I was confused on that matter?"
"'Blairielle' is a girl's name," Laurel replied. "And Scone said 'she'."
"Oh, that," Blairielle mused, making several passes over the bite. "The role of healer is traditionally a female's job, and so I am officially known as 'she'. It gets quite iffy sometimes. Bloody ceremonial dress is quite uncomfortable... there, healed."
Laurel examined her arm, which now looked normal except for a narrow white scar. "Thank you. I owe you cake."
"Oh, just glad to help, just glad to help." He turned to Stan. "I was hearing something about a trip when I tottered in..."
"Oh... yes. We're off to rescue the Scribe of Fire. Would you like to come, Blairielle?" invited Stan. "Seeing as how the Jessica's assistant is accident-prone..."
"I'll make YOU accident-prone," snarled Laurel, but with little conviction. "Oh, never mind. You're hot."
"Yes, I know." said Stan distractedly, "Where are the jackets, I want to get going."
"Jackets?" said Blairielle interestedly.
"Yes," said Stan shortly, "Jackets. Leather ones. I ordered them nearly half an hour ago."
"Oh." said Blairielle quietly, "Those. well, you see... I got the orders..."
"Excellent," said Stan, "So they're ready?"
"Err... well... no, actually." fidgeted Blairielle.
"No." said Stan.
"Well, there has been a lot of static lately, we've been getting things that weren't ordered on our plane and no one wants... its a waste of magic, and we only make the things that we know are needed so..."
"So what you're saying," said Stan, "Is that you didn't make the jackets."
"Er... well... no." said Blairielle quietly.
"Oh." said Stan. he turned to Jessica, "Can we replace them with something else?" he asked her, "Or do you need them to perform the spell?"
"Spell...?" said Jessica woozily, "What spell?"
"Oh," said Laurel. "I've already got them." She held up two long, black leather jackets. One was so long that it was basically a leather trenchcoat (except that it was leather), and the other went to above the knees. The trenchcoat had on it's back a green-and-gold dragon, curled around the word 'Acissej'. The other had a weird, random design in blue and silver around the word 'Lerual'.
"Um..." said Jessica wittily. "Where did you get those?"
"I stole them from the air!" Laurel draped the trenchcoat over Jessica's shoulder. "It is black, to match your eyes!"
"My eyes are blue..." said Jessica. She took off the coat and examined it carefully. "It has satin lining. With hearts on it."
"Yes! To match your hair," Laurel explained. "Mine has little kitties."
"My hair," said Jessica, "is brown. And why is my name backwards?"
"That's how it's properly spelled, Jessica. Duh. Don't they teach you anything in school? No," she added in reflection,"they never mentioned how hot Stan is. By the way, Stan, you're hot."
"Yes, I think we've established that." Stan agreed.
"Can we go?" came Sassy's voice suddenly from the corner. Everyone jumped, as they had forgotten she was there.
"Er... I suppose." said Scone, "Are you ready to go?" He asked Jessica.
"Hello!" said Laurel, "I'm a human too."
"A what?" said Scone, peering at her over half-moon spectacles that everyone could have sworn he hadn't been wearing a second ago.
"Um, I guess we are." said Jessica, to cover up the awkward silence, "Stan, don't you need to tell your parents where you're going? I mean they are the king and queen..."
"They don't care." said Stan, "They just stay in bed all day anyway. Sassy attends to them. They basically let me run the country."
"You know what, Stan!" Said Laurel suddenly, "You're hot, so you could marry me and then I'd be QUEEN of Erechasbaa!"
"Er." Said Stan, "I suppose so. But we'll have to have the wedding when we get back, we're a little pressed for time."
"Okay," said Laurel happily. Sassy shot her a murderous glare. "Sassy," Laurel said conversationally, "Would you like a coughdrop? They're poisoned."
Sassy muttered something uncomplimentary under her breath and left the room.
"I don't think she likes you," Jessica murmured.
"Of course not. She's been attacked by several weasels lately."

Soon, everyone was out of the castle, laden with clothing, food, and random things such as a firecracker and two pounds of lint in a silver casket.
The forest they now walked in was quite interesting. It had strange flora that Jessica and Laurel didn't recognise, and several new fauna that liked to annoy them.
"What's this?" asked Jessica, pointing at a plant with fuscia berries.
"It's called a toothpaste plant," Laurel explained.
"No, afraid not," replied Blairielle. "You see, it's called Lifebane. Bloody thing's deadly poisonous."
"Oh," said Laurel.
"Perhaps you'd like to stop eating those berries."
Laurel spat out the chewed berries into her palm and lobbed them onto Sassy's head.
Sassy drew a katana from seemingly nowhere and spun around with it. She looked around suspiciously before finally dragging a hand across her hair. It came away covered in spitty pink berries. "Aaauuugh," she commented.
"Did you know that you've got toothpaste in your hair?" Laurel asked helpfully.
"Aaaaauuuuggh," Sassy repeated, more loudly. "Who did this?"
Laurel pointed at the wizard, striding behind them and frowning at his boots, which were turquoise and somewhat scuffed. "Scone did it," she said.
To everyone else's surprise, Sassy believed her. "Scone!" she snarled. "Leave me out of your filthy magic!"
"For the last time, Sassy," Scone returned, raising his head and turning his frown upon her, "your aversion to magic is very unhealthy. And what is that on your head?"
"Toothpaste," giggled Laurel.
They continued on, Sassy and Laurel still shooting murderous glances at eachother at odd intervals. Eventually Stan and Laurel began to make wedding plans, which caused Sassy to sigh loudly every few moments.
Meanwhile, Jessica and Blairielle had gotten into a heated debate about celebrities.
"Well, I don't think Justin should have ever dumped Brittany." Blairielle was saying, "They were such a cute couple..."
"What?" said Jessica, "But she cheated on him!"
"Yes, well, forgive and forget I always say." said Blairielle wistfully.
"Hmph." said Jessica, and walked over to look at a strange line of silver rocks that had been following the side of the trail for some time now.
"What do you suppose these are?" she called to Scone, who was leading the party.
"Those are Plinksi Rocks." said Scone, glancing in Jessica's direction. "They're very dangerous. Don't touch them.
"Um... okay." said Jessica, glancing at the benign-looking rocks. One winked at her and she quickly moved away into the center of the path.
"It winked at me." she said.
"Yes." answered Scone, "They do that."
"Oh." said Jessica, "Okay. Hey!" She said suddenly, "Where are we sleeping? We'd better not be camping."
"Oh, you needn't worry about that," said Blarielle, "Scone can set up a portable castle with his wand."
"A castle." said Jessica.
"I like castles, Jessica." cried Laurel, "Don't make him change his mind!"
"Oh. don't worry." Said Stan, "I'm not sleeping in a tent."
"I happen to like tents." said Sassy.
"Then you can sleep in one." answered Laurel in a not altogether unrude voice.

The castle turned out to be altogether not as exciting as it sounded. True, it was in the shape of a castle, but it was only about 20 feet square inside, and the walls were made out of plastic and quite badly painted to look like stone.
There were only five beds, so they had to draw straws to decide who would sleep on the floor. Stan ended up drawing the shortest straw, but Blairielle being a traditional Erechasbian Healer, could not allow his prince to sleep on the floor, and took his place. This was much to the annoyance of everyone else, as Blairielle was not used to sleeping on the floor, which he was sure to remind everyone of every five minutes or so, all night.
They set out early the next morning. No one had gotten much sleep and all in all they were a very groggy eyed and mottled bunch (except for Stan, who always looked hot, of course)as they set out.
And then, right before they were going to stop for lunch, Stan touched a plinksi rock.
It wasn't his fault. Sassy had wandered over to Stan and was talking to him, so Laurel decided that it was in the best interest of everyone present to trip her.
Although Sassy was an experienced warrior-type, with great balance and super-quick reflexes and a nice complexion, she stumbled over Laurel's foot and crashed into Stan. Stan, seeing an excellent opportunity to study the local flora, fell face-first into the bushes.
"Oh no!" wailed Laurel, stepping over Sassy and crouching at Stan's side. "Sassy just killed Stan!"
"No, don't come near me," came Stan's muffled voice. "I touched - "
"Shhh," Laurel cooed. "I'll get you fixed up. Don't say a word. Soon you'll be risen from the dead and almost as good as before."
"BUT-"
Laurel smacked the back of his head. "No, don't talk. Just rest."
Scone and Jessica wandered over.
"Stan," Scone sighed, "don't tell me that you're lying on a bunch of plinksi rocks."
Stan tried to reply, but Laurel sat down on his back. "NO TALKING! Not until you recover. Save your energy."
Blairielle knelt down, his knees cracking. "Right. I'll fix up your face, if Laurel will get off of your back."
Laurel scowled and moved. "But he was comfy..."
Scone had meanwhile been trying desperately to get their attention. Finally, he threw up his hands in resignation. It was too late, anyway. They were in the Lair.

Chapter Two: A Distant Orange Haze

The Giant Iguana had had a wonderful day.
First of all, it was his birthday. He was now 25, which in Iguana years is 25. His mother had come over with a fresh sheep, and his thirty-two siblings had wandered over to congratulate him, only biting him occasionally.
And now, to top it off, here were several humans, just in time for lunch.
"Wow," Laurel said. "A green sheep."
"That's not a sheep," Stan replied nervously. "It's an iguana. A giant one. And it's not even green."
"Well, it kinda is," said Jess.
"Yes," agreed Blairielle. "A sort of... goldish-green, metalic-like..."
"No," said Sassy. "If it's more gold than green, it's a kind of gold. So it could be greeny-gold, but not actually green."
"That's daft," snarled Laurel. "Maybe it's neither. It's... I dunno, goldeen."
"You can't use that; it's already been used," said Jessica. "It's some sort of pokemon."
"What kind, an iguana?"
"No, some sort of fish, I think..." offerred Blairielle. He was going to say something else when they got distracted by the iguana trying to eat Stan.
They ran, even Scone, who generally considered running beneath him. Soon they were huddled in a small cave, just out of reach of the iguana's teeth. Eventually he gave up trying to eat them right away and wandered off to munch on a dead sheep, making hissing noises.
"It's 'Happy Birthday To You'," Laurel said.
"What?" asked Jessica, who was squashed up against Laurel and very glad that Laurel had been munching on mint cough-drops throughout the day.
"The iguana, he's humming - hissing 'Happy Birthday To You'."
Everyone listened. Yes, it sure sounded like it. But iguanas didn't have birthdays, did they?
Scone was the first to stop wondering about it. "I believe," he mused, "that there is a way out of here."
"Yes," said Sassy. "In his stomach." She gestured with her head at the iguana, who had finished the sheep and was watching TV.
"No," Scone patiently went on. "I believe that with the right incantation, we would be instantly transported back to the path."
"Can it wait?" asked Jessica. "Smallville's on." She peered around the edge of the cave. "Ooh, Laurel, Clark's swimming. With no shirt."
Laurel, Jessica, and Sassy all stared at the TV while Scone tried out several strange incantations, one of which set his beard on fire, but did not move them an inch from their predictament.
Smallville ended. The iguana tried again to eat them, but Sassy finally managed to spit into his eye (she couldn't reach her weapons, but she didn't mind that much since it was because she was pressed against Stan, who by the way, still looked excruciatingly hot) and he left. Everyone sat, cramped and annoyed, watching smoke spiral up from Scone's beard.
"Ara'miarzt!" yelled Scone, a bit desperately. A flock of geese appeared and flew deep into the Lair. A moment later, there was a surprised iguana roar, and then crunching noises, followed by more off-key 'Happy Birthday To You'.
"It's no use," muttered Stan miserably. "I don't know how we're going to get out. There doesn't seem to be an incantation." He was hot miserable, too.
"I'm hungry," announced Laurel. "We should leave."
Jessica, feeling irritated, growled, "That's what we've been -"
"Baa Ram Ewe," Laurel yelled. "Sheep be true!"
And they disappeared.
"Wha-?" cried Jessica, "Laurel, what did you do?"
"I ate a cough drop." said Laurel passively, "Ooh, look, a lair! We should go in!"
"A lair!" said Scone furiously, "Where? Where are we? Where's the lair?"
"Right there silly." giggled Laurel. She pointed to a waterfall.
"A waterfall." said Stan incredulously as he squeezed iguana spit from his sleeve, "Since when are waterfalls lairs?"
"Its probably behind the waterfall." said Jessica intelligently. "Isn't that where most lairs are?"
"Er, does anyone care that that waterfall is PINK?" said Sassy.
"I hate pink." said Jessica. "What if we walk through and it dyes my shirt pink. Then what?"
"Then your shirt will be pink, wont it?" said Blairielle.
"Look, we can't just stand here." said Stan, "What if Laurel's right and there is a lair. Shouldn't we go in?"
"What about my shirt?" cried Jessica.
"Have an umbrella?" suggested Scone, and handed her one. He also gave everyone else an umbrella, except for Sassy.
"They're magic umbrellas." he explained.
Sassy made a "hmph" noise and tried unsuccesfully to cover her head with her sword. Laurel giggled and challenged Blairielle to a fencing match, to which he obliged.
"Hey!" said Stan, "Lets go in!"
So they did. Sassy got considerably wet, and pink, and had to use Stan's jacket t wipe off her face. From that day on, Stan's jacket bore a large pink stain on the back, as well as all the umbrellas, which they thought might come in handy later on, so they kept them, even though Jessica hated pink.
They looked around (once Jessica stopped making homicidal comments about a certain shade of pale red). They were obviously in a Lair. A bad-guy Lair, not an Iguana Lair. The first clue was the iron maiden. It was against the wall, open, the long spikes gleaming in the cold pinkish light. Upon the spikes was impaled -
"A picture of Stan," Laurel gasped. "He looks even hotter in real life."
Everyone gathered around the picture and looked at it. It was stuck on a spike, but only through the top bit, so that Stan's face was unblemished except for a lipstick print in hot pink.
"Whoever's Lair this is," Laurel mused, "they must have at least tanned skin."
Jessica glanced at her. "Um, may I ask how you came to that conclusion?"
"Only people with dark or at least tanned skin look any good in hot pink," Laurel explained. "Being as snowy-breasted as I am, I don't look any good in it."
Everyone looked carefully away from Laurel's chest.
There was, besides the iron maiden, a big, white leather couch, a bead curtain that separated the room they were in from whatever was beyond, and several security cameras.
"Crap," Jessica muttered. "Cameras."
Scone muttered something as well, and the cameras melted.
And then, through the bead curtain stepped... Tom Welling.
"OMIGOD!" squealed Laurel, Jessica, and even (although she wouldn't admit it later) Sassy.
Tom Welling pointed a gun at them and fired. A beam of pink light scorched the floor next to Sassy. So she drew her katana and jumped at him. He coldly aimed the gun at her, but just as he was about to fire he was bowled over by Laurel.
"Tom, make me your wife!" she screamed, hugging his legs. Jessica sauntered over and took away his gun.
"Oh, this is so cool!" she exclaimed, showing it to Blairielle. "Look at this. It shoots pure energy, I think, from this little pink tube - it must be concentrated stuff..."
Sassy held her sword to Tom's throat. He stopped trying to yank Laurel off of him.
"Who do you work for?" Sassy snarled.
"Me," said a voice, and with a clatter of beads, a person who was obviously Their Nemisis stepped through the curtain and gave them an evil, pink-lipsticked smile.
"Oh my god." said the Nemesis, "You're STAN!"
Stan raised an eyebrow. He looked behind himself, and then turned back to the nemesis. "Um..." he said, "Yes. So?"
"You're like, SO hot!" Said the nemesis.
And it was then that they all realized. Their nemesis, the one that had stolen the Scribe of Fire, and bewitched Tom Welling (Because he couldn't possibly be evil in real life)was in fact... a prep.
"She's a prep." said Jessica and Laurel together in murderous whispers.
"No." said Blairielle in a murderous whisper.
"What," said Scone, in a murderous whisper, not because he knew what a prep was, but because everyone else was doing it, and it sounded cool, "Is a prep?"
"Well," said Jessica matter-of-factly, "Its a blonde girl, who usually shops at American Eagle, wears alot of pink" she made a low growling noise, "is obsessed with guys, and talks in an annoying squeaky voice, and says 'like' and 'oh my god' alot." She finished and took a deep breath.
"Oh." said Scone, "I see."
"Like, hey!" said the prep, 'I was like, about to anihilate you!"
"You spelled annihilate wrong." commented Laurel, "It's got two n's."
"Like, like I care." Scoffed the prep.
Sassy punched Tom Welling in the face and knocked him out, but continued sitting on him, because there weren't any other seats, which meant that Laurel had to stand. She smiled a little.
"Okay, wait," said Blairielle, "What are you doing here? I mean, since Jessica and Laurel seem to know so much about you, you must be from their world. And me and Scone certainly didn't summon you."
"Oh my god, yeah, it's like such a great story," said the Prep, "I was like totally, like walking along. And I was like trying out my new boots, and they're like platforms, and they're like SO hot, and like, totally not like the clothes I'm wearing now, which are like, totally crappy 'cause there's like, no malls in like, this entire country, which makes it majorly sucky. But once I take over everything, there will be like, twenty malls, like EVERYWHERE, and I'll have like, malls, and like stores thay I like, like, and it'll be really, really, cool. So anyway, I was like, wearing my new platforms, and then I like, tripped, and then I like, fell into this tree, and then suddenly, I was like, in this wierd... land, and I was like, 'Oh my god, there's sheep. That is so DISGUSTING.' And I was like 'sheep... what the heck?' so I like, ran away, and there was like, guys and they were like, totally hot and I was like 'hey, you should do what I say.' and they were like 'okay.' so, like, now I have all these guys, and they like, do what I say, and I'm gonna be like, Queen of Erechasbaa, and like, Stan's, totally gonna be like, my boyfriend, and we're gonna be like, newest couple, and I'm gonna be so hot, it's gonna be great!"
She squealed and jumped around. Everyone stood there (or in Sassy's case, sat) in a sort of stunned silence. Most of them were still trying to decipher what she had just said, only Jessica had understood the whole thing, and she was busy examining the strange gun. The prep jumped around a bit and then cleared her throat and stood menacingly in front of them again.
"Now." she said, "About your anihilation."
"Annihilation." Laurel growled soflty, "Has TWO 'n's." and her eyes began to glow red.

Chapter Three: The Tractor of Doom

The prep rolled her eyes. "Like, get over it, 'kay? And what's with the red flashlight, you freak?"
Laurel put away the flashlight she had somehow aquired and was shining into her face (like in Kim Possible! Hee!). "Bad spellers," Laurel hissed, "die."
The prep stared at her for a second, then looked at Sassy. "Okay, you freak, get off of my henchman. I, like, do NOT have time for this. So I'll just have to, like, freeze you all."
She pressed a button on her white and pink studded belt, and suddenly a pink-glowing net descended onto them. They struggled, but could not move more than a few millimetres.
"Bye, you super-losers!" The prep grabbed Tom Welling and started to drag him off. Although she was taller than Laurel (which only made Laurel hate her even more), the prep was too skinny have much muscle and gave up on Tom after a few steps. "I'll be back later," she promised ominously, tripped over Tom's outstretched arm, and then sauntered away.
"Well," said Jessica after a minute. "This sucks."
"Have I ever," said Scone, "praised you on your amazing grasp of the obvious, Jessica?"
"There's no need to take that tone, Scone." said Stan, "You're the court wizard, you can get us out of here... right?" He looked somewhat dangerous as he said it. Sassy and Laurel both noted that he looked hot dangerous. Jessica would have, but she was fiddling with the pink gun again.
"I think if you twiddle this dial here, and switch it to the flamethrower setting..." She muttered.
"It's an evil magic net." explained Scone, "It's protected against good magic. I can't do anything with it."
Sassy pulled out her katana and whacked it against the rope a few times. Nothing happened.
"The fuel in it seems to be a liquid form of the compund used to make this rope." said Jessica, "Theoretically it should cancel out any de-magical effects that the rope has."
"I can't get to my cough drops." whined Laurel.
Blairielle's orange touque had fallen in front of his eyes and he could lift it because he was sitting on one of his arms, and the other was stuck between Stan's sword and Scone's foot. "This is very uncomfortable." He commented.
Stan was trying to free his sword to try it on the rope, as it happened to be a magical sword, when Jessica finally finished fiddling with the gun and pulled the trigger. There was a blinding flash of pink, and the rope desintegrated. They all fell to the floor in a heap.
"Hey!" said Jessica as she climbed out from under Blairielle, "I actally saved the day!"
"Good for you," said Stan, who was attending to Sassy, who had made a big deal about being poked in the eye with his scabbard specifically so he would attend to her, "But the day's not saved yet. We have to go after her. And find out who's controlling her."
"What makes you think that anyone's controlling her?" said Laurel, contentedly sucking on a cough drop, "I mean, she is a prep."
"Precisely," said Stan, standing up, "Aren't they supposed to be kind of dumb? How could she better Scone in magic? No, I think there's someone else behind it. And I think I know who."
"Who?" said everone in unison.
"A Sith Lord." said Stan.
"What?" said Jessica, "You have Sith Lords here?"
"Yes." said Scone, "And if it is the one I am thinking of, it may be very difficult to defeat him. His name is Darth..."
"Silence, Scone." said Stan, "They will find out soon enough if it is true." And he refused to say any more on the subject.
Blairielle healed everyone of the damage sustained thanks to the Iguana and the Prep (that sounds like a very interesting book title, doesn't it?) and they gathered together to discuss what to do next.
"Kill them all," Sassy suggested, all angry because Blairielle had healed her eye, and she was hoping that while Stan examined it he would notice their blue color, and maybe say something about it, and then possibly kiss her, but now that was ruined thanks to the stupid nosy court healer and she would have to wait forever for another chance at romance... anyway, she was angry, and wanted to kill people.
"I think," said Scone, "that we should try with utmost stealth to acquire the Scribe and get away with as little fuss as possible."
Laurel, who'd completely forgotten why they'd come, said "I want to be a Jedi."
"So do I," agreed Jessica. "So, where do you think they've hidden the Scribe?"
"It could be anywhere," Stan said, looking very hot and exhasperated.
"We should split up and search," said Sassy, glancing at Stan.
"Excellent idea, Sassy." Scone pointed to each person as he named them. "Laurel and the Blairielle, go with Stan."
Sassy looked about to rip somebody's throat out.
"And I," Scone went on, "Will go with Sassy and Jessica. Sassy, do not glare at me like that. This is an important mission, and we don't want anyone distracted."
Sassy disagreed; she would very much like to be distracted. But she contented herself with giving Laurel poisonous looks, to which Laurel responded by eating another cough drop and sidling up to Stan.

They split up. Sassy, Scone, and Jessica followed the prep through the beaded curtain. Stan, Blairielle, and Laurel stayed behind and the three of them managed to lift Tom onto the couch. Then they set off through a secret passage in the wall that Stan managed to find.
They walked in single file for a while, pausing every now and then while Blairielle turned sideways to squeeze through some of the skinnier parts of the tunnel. Stan had to pull him through a couple of times, and then Laurel used one of her cough drops to lubricate the wall, so he would slide. He got rather sticky after a while.
Finally they emerged into a huge cavern, lit by torches. There was cruel metal spiky-looking furniture, and there was no pink in sight.
"This is defenitally the lair of the Sith Lord." remarked Stan.
"No pink." said Laurel, "Jessica would be happy."
Blairielle didn't say anything because he was being attacked by a rabid wombat.

Jessica, meanwhile, was not very happy at all. She was beginning to think that her eyes had had some sort of cone malfuncion, and all she could now see was pink. She mentioned this.
"No." said Sassy dully. "It really is all pink."
"It's alot of pink." said Jessica.
"I know." said Sassy.
"I hate pink." said Jessica.
"I know." said Sassy.
"Hmph." said Scone.
"What?" said Jessica and Sassy in unison.
"Nothing." said Scone longsufferingly. Sassy glared at him.
"Hey!" said Jessica, "Whats that?"
"I think its a cotton candy machine." said Scone.
"Pink cotton candy." muttred Sassy.
"No! Said Jessica, "Look!"
They looked. There was something pink coming out of the machine, but it wasn't cotton candy. It was defenitally pink, and had a cotton-candy texture, but it was moving, which was something, that in Jessica's experience, cotton candy didn't do.
The pink... thing climbed out of the machine with its little fuzzy pink paws, and fell out onto the floor. It whimpered a little, picked itself up, then fell over again when it saw them.
"Oh!" it said in a cute little cotton candy voice.
"What," said Sassy, "is THAT?"
"Hm?" said the pink fluffy thing. It picked itself up and stood to its full, foot-high height. "I-" it said in a rather pompus english accent, "I am the Sliffert."
"The Sliffert." said Jessica.
"Uh huh." said the Sliffert.
"That's almost worse than Shnooslewoosle." said Sassy.
"Almost." said Scone.
"Stan?" said the Sliffert, "He's here?"
"Not exactly here." said Jessica, "But he's on the premisis"
The Sliffert jumped up and ran excitedly to her. It grabbed her legs and looked up at her with its pink teddy bear face full of anxiety, "You have to take me to him." It said, "Now. Something terrible is going to happen."

The wombat was not making much progress; every time he hurt Blairielle, the healer would fix himself. Stan and Laurel watched in amusement for a little while until they actually realised what was happening. Then Stan cut the wombat's head off with his sword.
Blairielle straightened his clothes and looked quite disgruntled. "How odd," he muttered to himself. "This is the third time it's happened... I ought to take out insurance for it..."
"This belongs to the one that controls Brittany," said Laurel.
"What?" asked Stan, turning from the body of the wombat, with which he was morbidly fascinated (it twitched every time he poked it with his toe).
Laurel gestured at the inner lair. "This place. It belongs to the one who controls Brittany."
"Oh. How do you know?"
Laurel showed him a notebook she'd picked up. "See, a to-do list."
This was the to-do list:
1. Create portal to Erachasba
2. Pick up more sweets
3. Create an evil lair
4. Phone mum and wish her a happy birthday!!! DO NOT forget like last time
5. Get a new cellphone
6. Investigate idiot preppy girl who stumbled through portal
7. Accept movie contract; remind them of butter incident
8. Take control of prep; use her as puppet for world domination
9. Steal the Scribe of Fire
10. Reply to backed-up emails
11. Kill Prince Schnooselwoosle the First
12. Buy Prep (remember her name: Brittany) pink things to keep her happy
13. Get a Lair guard... rabid wombat? Xena?
14. More sweets - lock them away from Prep
Stan stared at the list. "He wants to kill me!"
"And, he likes sweets," Laurel agreed.
"He's here," said Blairielle.

Note: The above comments concerning Stan and the foot of the mentioned Marsupial Vombatidae aka Rabit Wombat, have hereby been officially nullified due to the previously established pretext of Stan being "hot" and the hereby established pretext of the poking of the foot of a large decapitated mammal being "not hot" Therefore, the editors have elected to hereby unestablish the said pretext and thus the previous statement concerning Stan and the foot of a certain rabid mammal have hereby been declared officially null. Thank you.

"Stan!" screamed Jessica, "Blairielle! LAUREL!!!"
The words echoed throughout The Lair.
"Louder." ordered the Sliffert.
"I AM being loud." said Jessica, "Any louder and I'll snap my voice cords."
"That's impossible." said Scone.
"No its not." whispered Jessica, because she had lost her voice, "There see? I told you." Then her voice stopped working completely.
"Hm..." said Sassy, "Blairielle could fix that."
"He's not HERE." mouthed Jessica.
"What?" said Scone, "Didn't hear you."
"Shut up, Scone." said Sassy. Then she turned to the Sliffert, "Would you mind telling us more about this terrible thing that's going to happen?"
The Sliffert Sniffed, "Sorry, I can't do that. I will relay my information to Stan only." It had a very insufferable pompous accent.
"I thought Blairielle was bad." said Sasy rolling her eyes, "Fine. Well why don't you try calling him then?"
"I can't." explained The Sliffert, "What if I lose my voice, like her?" he pointed to Jessica, who was staring fixedly at the ceiling and tapping her foot, "Then how will I relay my message."
"How about you tell it to us now, or I slice your fluffy pink head off?" said Sassy, pulling off her Katana.
"Now Sassy." said Scone reproachfully, "Violence is not the answer."
"Sometimes it is." answered Sassy, and she might have actually cut the poor Sliffert's head off if Jessica hadn't wailed her in the back of the head.
"What?" she cried.
Jessica pointed frantically upwards. Sassy looked up.
"Uh..." said Sassy, "What is that."
The Sliffert's pink cotton candy body shivered. "Nothing good." it said.

"What?" said Laurel, "Who's here?"
"The Pizza Boy, of course." Answered Blairielle, "Who else?"
"You ordered pizza?" said Stan incredulously.
"Ooh! Pizza!" cried Laurel, "What kind?"
"Uh." said the Pizza Boy, "Is this the right place?"
"It depends." said Laurel, "What kind of Pizza is it?"
"Hawaiian." said the Pizza Boy.
"Blech." said Laurel.
"Eww." said Stan.
"Yup, that's it." said Blairielle.
"Blairielle, you can't just sit down and have PIZZA!" cried Stan, "We're in the middle of sneaking around a Sith Lord's lair! There are bad guys! And preps! With PINK!"
"You can pick off the pineapples." said Blairielle.
"Okay." said Stan.

The first thing they saw was a mask, eerily reminiscent of a movie Jessica had watched. The mask, however, was bright pink, the color of true evil.
There was a person attached to the mask, somebody wearing a volumous black cloak, with clawed hands and feet that bit into the stone of the ceiling. It didn't move, and eventually the group below continued breathing.
Sassy went to poke it with her sword, but Scone stopped her.
"I think it is asleep," he murmured. "Best not disturb it."
Everyone stood around looking at the creature.
"Well," said Scone.
"Well," agreed Sassy.
Then they all broke into a run and quickly moved past the creature. When they stopped and looked back, it still hadn't moved.
The Sliffert was panting, a little black tongue sticking out of it's mouth in an irritatingly cute way. "That was close," it squeaked.
"Yeah." agreed Jessica, or tried to, but coulnd't, because if you'll remember (which- ahem, Laurel didn't) her voice was gone.
"Did you say something, Jessica?" asked Scone innocently.
Jessica glared at him. Then she took her iPod out of her pocket and started to type on the search page. At first it came up with a bunch of random things like Led Zeppelin and Legend of Zelda, then it narrowed it down to Let me go, By 3 Doors Down, and Let's Get it Started by the Black-eyed Peas (which Sassy wanted to listen to, but Scone wouldn't let her) until she had typed out "letsfindbsandlplease" and it said "No Results Found".
"Excellent idea, Jessica." said Scone, "Where would they be?"
Jessica clicked away on her iPod until finally "wedidntfinthelairsotheyprobablydid" (A Whole New World; Andrew Lloyd Webber; No Results Found)
"Right." said Scone, "So we should backtrack..."
"Or," said the Sliffert, "I could just lead you directly to the lair."
Jessica nodded furiously, but Sassy walked up to the sliffert and stared down at it scrutinizingly.
"What," she said, "makes you think that we should just trust you?"
Jessica rolled her eyes and looked up at the ceiling again.
"Uh oh." she tried to say. No one heard her of course, so she had to whack Sassy in the back of the head again.
"Ow." sad Sassy, "Wait, its not there again is it?"
"Actually." said Scone, "It is. And its awake this time.

The Erechasbian adventure. Laurel is Ari, and Jessica is me. If you didn't already know that or couldn't guess...

Piczo